Category: Joke Board
A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I’m sorry, no Lawyers in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Lawyers."
"But, but, but, I’ve been a good man", replies the Lawyer.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St. Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty dollars back, now take a hike!"
A blonde went into a global message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $400 she exclaimed, "I don't have
that kind of money!! But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in France!"
The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"
"Yes, absolutely anything" the blonde promised.
With that, the man said, "Follow me." He walked into the next room and ordered her to "Come in and close the door." She did. He then said, "Get on your
knees." She did. Then he said, "Take down my zipper." She did. He said, "Go ahead... take it out." She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead!"
The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips shesaid loudly, "HELLO ... MOM?"
everyone was amazed with what he can do. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town
grouch.
So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of
taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders.
So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad.
One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
The town dimwit died and went to Heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, he met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to
pass a test."
"Oh, No!" he said, but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dimwit thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
The dimwit started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."